I have been struggling as of late with some body issues. I feel larger than ever, even though I weigh about what I weighed this time last year. Which means I am the heaviest I have been except when I was first pregnant with my kids. I tend to hover around the same number on the scale, and just like this time last year I weigh about five pounds more than my normal. For a short person, this is a lot. I am not happy. I feel big. I certainly don't feel pretty.
My house is almost done (can I get a WOOT WOOT?). I am no longer driving across the bridge four times a day. I get to reconnect with old friends and establish a schedule. It also seems to be a blessing that even though the house is close to being finished, there are no mirrors hanging anywhere. They just lay on the floor. I can only see my bottom half, which allows me to disconnect my head from my body. I can't make a mental connection between the two and until this afternoon that was allowing me to pretend.
Today, I picked up James in his classroom and after I tended to another boo-boo on his knee, I started to load both him and Lilly into our car. A little boy and his father were also finishing the day and getting into their car. This small, very cute boy started to talk to me. I played along, smiled and continued to get the kids settled. Then, the little boy said something to me that immediately brought tears to me eyes. "You are chubby"
Um, what? Did I hear that right? I said nothing, but smiled and got into the car. I cried. Have I really let myself get so far gone? In my own vain way, I do care a bunch about how I look. I always have. For years, this was how I measured my worth. Unfortunately, this hasn't changed very much. Sad, but true.
Lilly was in the car as well, so I didn't let her know I was upset. I couldn't explain this. Why did it matter that much to me what a child, most likely a 3 year old child, said to me. Did this boy even know the power of his words? Of course not. Well at least not the part where saying it would hurt someone. Was it like the time where I rhymed every word under the sun with duck?
It is hard enough to deal with the ideal perfection that seems to permeate the area I live. I know no one is perfect, but realizing I don't even come close hurt today. It really hurt.
Children are funny. For the most part, they are too innocent to really mean harm with words. But a mirror is a mirror, even one from the mouths of babes.